Sitting next to the smiling Dutch lady in the Emirates Arena in Glasgow during the Scottish Open in November 2019 everything seems normal, but like lightning from a clear sky, one single question makes the smile disappear: How are you?

For most people, the question is just a polite way to start a conversation, but to Debora Jille, it is much more. The last three years have been tough for her and most people do not know. And answering was not easy.

-I was not feeling well, and I had trouble being motivated. Not only for playing badminton but even living my life. Many times, I had the thought: It is not worth living anymore, but I did not do anything to hurt myself, but all in all, I could not take it anymore. The thoughts about ending it all have not been far away. Not at all, Debora Jille said.

The young doubles talent was living the dream. On the outside. She was on her way to China to play one of the biggest tournaments, but then it all cracked.

-I was going to the World Championships, but I did not look forward to it. I was just in my room, unhappy and sad, packing my bag because I had to. I told my coaches that I did not feel well and that I might need a break. I was in a bad place and I could not get out of it. It almost felt like I was trapped in a circle or maze, I knew I had to get out of it, but I just couldn’t find my way out. The only thing you can do then is just go with the flow and continue. It was my life, but I felt like I was not living it myself.

Debora Jille went to Nanjing, China, to play the World Championships. Alongside Imke Van Der Aar, she reached the Round of 32 but the focus was not at all on badminton.

-Before going to my coach, I was really scared. Not even my parents neither, my partner, or any teammate knew, and I am sure they did not know how bad it was at that point. I remember I told my coaches before the tournament, and they were very keen to keep an eye on me during the time in China, that was very comforting for me. I also have no idea how we still managed to play on quite a good level, as I was struggling a lot with my mind, sleeping properly and just everything except for playing badminton, she said.

Back home in the Netherlands, it was time to take a step away from the court.

-My stomach was everywhere and nowhere. I put badminton as a reason for my issues because that was the easiest at that time, but looking back at it, there were, for sure, more things happening. I had trouble in school, I was living in a place with some people that were not the perfect fit for me, and I also lost two people, which I didn’t really experience before. Everything combined was just too much. I could not take it anymore.

Debora Jille’s coaches took the situation very seriously and put her in contact with a psychologist. Furthermore, they encouraged her to take a break from badminton to focus on her mental issues. Two years later, Debora Jille now looks back on 18 tough months, but she also knows that she has to be aware things can easily change.

-At the moment I am all right, but I would not say that I am really good. The last two months have been quite hard but now I feel a bit better. It is difficult to point out what is hard, but it is hard to get up in the morning and I am a person who gets stressed really quickly because of things that have not even happened yet, and my mind is full of these things. Adding up all these things together makes life hard sometimes.

Speaking to her coaches, psychologist, family and friends, Debora Jille has now picked up the racket, and she is on the right track off court. Opening up about her mental challenges has been crucial.

-I found some friends that really understand me, I would seriously have no idea where I would be if I didn’t have them. They comforted me in a good way and I feel like I cherish and value their friendship on a complete different level now, never taking it for granted anymore. I am in a better place, but looking back, it makes me sad knowing that I was thinking about ending it all. I have not told many people about that part but here it is.

Travelling around Europe playing badminton on the BEC Circuit put Debora Jille in a strange position: Be who you are and get questions about your health or pretend that everything is fine.

-I am quite a social person, but I am also very introvert and insecure. Joking around and making other people laugh is a perfect way to cover your own feelings.

If they have fun, they do not need to know how I feel. Of course, it feels good to make other people laugh, but sometimes it was also a way to protect myself.

How does it feel knowing that the badminton community soon will know your story?

-It is quite scary, and probably it will make me a bit nervous about how many people it will reach, but at this point, I do not mind about what people think about me. It is my story, and a lot of other people are struggling with this. It is important to talk about mental health and to open up. The people who should know, they know about me, and the rest are just people to me.

At the age of 21, Jille knows that her mental challenges are not all over. They will always be a part of her.

-I have always been good at advising others, but I have never been good at asking for help, because I just wanted to keep things to myself, I still have that, but it has changed a bit now. I also feel like being in high level sports makes you independent at a very young age and I developed this kind of survival mode where I just want to solve everything myself. I know I sometimes need help, and even though I’m still not that great at asking for help, it’s getting better and I’m really trying to get better at it. For some people it comes natural, but for me asking for help is really breaking a habit and breaking/changing habits can be very difficult.

-I know that this is a challenge that will always be around and that scares me a little. I do not want to live like this for the rest of my life and that is also the reason why I am working on it. I do not see it as a problem but as a challenge, and I like challenges. I am at a point where I have accepted that I am like this and that is just how it is.

Struggling with an injury as a badminton player is nor- mal and every single human being has had mental challenges. Opening up about her story, Debora Jille hopes that she can inspire other people to talk about mental challenges as if it is a broken arm or twisted ankle.

-If me telling my story can help just a single person to seek support, I would feel very, very happy. It is not easy to reach out, but the earlier you reach out the easier it is to gain control again. The bomb inside you will explode at some point. If this article made a difference for just one single person, it is more than enough. And I am sure it did.

Read more articles on the latest edition of the BEC magazine here.